tuberculosis positive.

*amaran: ini cerita tahun 2010*


“You are tuberculosis positive”. It was the most devastating news I ever received from a doctor. Her mundane words left me ineffable. My only response was “Ok..ok..”. Without considering the fact that I was only eighteen and I was alone, she blurted out the result of my blood tests and evaluation of my x-ray images. I left the room as an expressionless, heartless human. It took me a while to get back on my feet and to swallow the fact that a deadly infectious bacterium is inhabiting a mere corner of my left lung. In a desperate need of emotional support, I made a few phone calls. One of them was my closest friend. He advised me to be grateful that I got to know this at an early stage where it is still remediable.

The next thing I know I was in a counselor’s room, waiting for myself to be counseled. One of the nurses call upon my name and asked me few questions about my contacts. She requested me to bring them for a check-up. I was advised to quarantine myself and to put on mask. I was given two weeks of leave and boxes of medication which I had to take punctually at 8 pm every night. My failure to do so would give the bacterium chances to grow stronger. I was scared stiff at this point of the counseling. I went home, driving on my own, with my mind running wild at the future consequences.

I can put a bet that if I plot a graph of phases in my life against thinking activity done in my brain, the two weeks of quarantine at home would be the peak of the graph. I thought of how my friends are going to treat me; especially my housemates. How would my lecturers respond towards my condition. How would the public treat me and the list goes on and on.


After the fortnight ‘vacation’, the first reaction I got from my classmates was so intimidating. My desk-mate shifted to the last row of the class; I accidentally saw a mask in her school bag. Next, my housemates made a request to our coordinator to isolate me so that they would not get infected. That was the moment I realized everyone was avoiding me. But as days passed by, my assumption was proven busted. People around me were just as terrified as me when I first knew I was infected. I could imagine if I was in their shoes; I would have react even worse.  Now, my life is back to normal. My condition is improving fast; thanks to the prayers from my family and friends. My school life is getting better. Indeed, I made friends; true friends which I do not think I will discover if I was in a healthier state. The friends, who kept reminding me about my medicine schedule, gave me strength to continue life and the most importantly, friends who are always by my side no matter what happen to me.

This experience has completely changed my perspective of life. It thought me to look at life in a bigger picture; not to focus at one tiny pixel. Stop being selfish and start to think about others. I used to question myself why am I the one to get this disease and what wrongs have I done. But now, things have changed. I am the new person. Instead, I am grateful that this misfortune had brought me to be a better person; an optimist who will grab every possible opportunity available and nothing can stop me, not even tuberculosis positive.


*amaran: cerita tahun 2010 dah habis. back to reality* hihi

***

  

this is an xray image i googled on the web. its an xray result of a person of tuberculosis positive. i didnt bring my xray images here to the states. i had countless of xray tests. more than 10 i think. well. many thought that too many xray scans can cause death. i did think so. because xray test gives out radioactive rays which kill cells. slow and steady. thats logically. but kun fayakun. im here, still alive and breathing. Alhamdulillah. well. back to the image above, more or less,  this is how my lungs look like , dated back to the last quarter of 2010. its been a year plus since i was diagnosed with tuberculosis. i know. tuberculosis makes people die faster. i was that scared too. 

i was afraid that no institution would accept me to further my studies.  i will not be eligible for scholarships to study overseas. people will not be comfortable when im around. i would have to quarantine myself for the rest of my life. because i thought i was incurable. i imagined myself laying on the hospital bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for Izrail to take me away.. how insecure i was at that moment. and of course. i was scared of dying. to die at such a young age.. i ve no idea how much sins i ve done.. how naive i was about the akhirah . how far i was from Him. how short my life would be.. how inconsistence my ibadah were.. how i was doing good deeds to get appraisals. and not setting my intention right to get His bliss and blessing.. how ignorant i was when dealing with the akhirah.. all i think were.. 

"i ve been praying 5 times a day" 

"i read the quran once in a while"

"i wear hijab to cover my hair"

"i have a boyfriend and my mum knows him and he influences me to be a good girl and and and bla bla blaa.."

"i do obey my parents"

"i respect my teachers"

and the list of high and mighty and boastful and superior confessions goes on and on.. 

and lastly , i concluded,

"I AM A GOOD MUSLIM"

astagfirullahalazim.. how much more naive i was at that moment.. when the world that revolved around me only consist of my family, and the friends i made in school. fullstop. when the real evaluation of myself should be something like this :

"i ve been praying 5 times a day" - but i missed sometimes, and i most of the time i did it in a hurry, towards the end of the time, and.. iwasnt putting myself into it. the moment i takbir, my mind was everywhere but not to Him.. Allah.. :'(

"i read the quran once in a while" - once a week? twice or thrice. i read it because i have too. not because i feel like to. hmm. and i dont even understand what i ve been reading. i dont even try to look for the meanings. its like giving a love letter to the blind people. they will of course love it! but sadly they dont get the message the senders trying to convey in the love letters..

"i wear hijab to cover my hair" - but the hijab was tied high up, exposing my chest.. the material was thin that people can see how my hair is being curled.. and.. i wrapped my head, i didnt really cover it. get my point? its not wrong to be in line with the fashion, as long as the pre requisites of covering the aurah are being obeyed.. right? this is soo %(*&$$#%()^$%^. i was 18 . 18 years of life wasnt enough to bring me to the true path of Islam..

"i have a boyfriend and my mum knows him and he influences me to be a good girl and and and bla bla blaa.." - and at the same time, we went out together, two of us, and there was always the 3rd one.. the evil... i couldnt tell more on this.. :'((((((

"i do obey my parents" - not in everything.. he told me not to go out with boys.. but i did.. she told me to be a more organised girl.. but i never was.. i hurt them .. too much.. 

"i respect my teachers" - but when they went out of class, i would criticized them.. how bad their level of english.. how boring the lectures were.. how bla bla bla.. but they are the reasons why i am here in the states now. their boring lectures, their bad english, their slow and silly way of teaching.. they are the one made my dreams possible.. but.. i .. hmm..

well that was me. now, i am me. i hope. with these beautiful ukhwah around me. i will thabat on this way of truth. i stiil do those silly mistakes.. but i am not as naive i was 2 years ago. things have changed a lot. and look at my lungs below. they are healthy, Alhamdulillah.

He still give more than what i deserve.. chances to get back on the right path.. but as always, my negligence . is. killing me. softly. Allah, thank you for these chances. lead me to the right path. i am no one to judge myself. but i always feel bad.. its hard to focus on this route.. give me Your guidance.. dont ever leave me .. for i will return back to those jahiliyah days.. 

i ve heard once, imam hassan al banna rejected an ex-prisoner who wanted to marry him becuase she used to be a sinner. i ve been once. and still now.. :'( 

Unclean women are for unclean men, and unclean men are for unclean women; and pure women are for pure men, and pure men are for pure women. They are free from the slanderer's accusations; for them there shall be forgiveness and honorable provision from Allah. (annur : 26)

but who are we to judge ourselves?

alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah.